The Kruat, The Bartender, and The Drunkard
by a1boogz
Summary: [COMPLETE]A crazy Eva cross over with The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly


The Kraut, The Bartender, and The Drunkard  
by:Al-I-Bus (A1Boogz@aol.com)  
  
Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by Gainax in affiliation with Tokyo Tv and NAS. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is owned by MGM Studios. No offense intended to anyone who finds the title to be offending.  
  
First off, go read anything by my man Chenalos. Entry Plug Trilogy, or " Fan Fiction" two great works on Eva.   
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" What is this shit? Third Child?" Asuka was whining again.  
  
It was a quiet Saturday night in Tokyo-3. No angel attacks, no major occurances of angst, no raids of the apartment by boys overloaded with hormones, and no tests of any sort on this evening. To celebrate their freedom over Nerv, aliens, and friends for at least one night; Misato, Shinji, and Asuka decided to celebrate by ordering out and renting a movie.  
  
Shinji decided to try and apease Asuka, anything was beter than hearing her whine the whole evening.  
  
" It's a western film, you know, cowboys, guns, horses. That sort of thing." Her scowl darkened considerably as she struck back with another query.  
  
" It better not be an American movie! It's not is it?" Shinji released a sigh of relief, he didn't have to weasle his way out of this one.  
  
" The movie was made in Italy. Just watch it you'll enjoy it I swear"  
  
Misato watched the pair bicker, amusement coloring her face (that and two six packs of Yebisu). She decided that she couldn't let this opportunity pass. " So are you two gonna fight like this when you get married?" Two empty soda cans came flying at her head and, in attempting to duck, Misato slipped on some papers and landed hard on her rear end.  
  
Seeing that Asuka was now giggling, Shinji selected this as the best time to insert the movie.  
  
*2 hours 41 minutes later*  
  
" You're gonna pay for making me sit through that third child! Mark my words..." Asuka shot him the "glare of death" as she tramped off to her room. She had actually enjoyed the movie, but she couldn't let Shinji know that he did something right. Think of all th trouble that could cause.  
  
Shinji merely shrugged at Asuka's threat, the glare did cause him to gulp though. He got up from his position on the floor and stretched. Walking over to Misato, who had been out after the opening credits, he helped her up and they stumbled and slipped to her room.  
  
*Later*  
  
Asuka couldn't sleep.  
" It's cuz of that stupid movie" she grumbled to herself. She fought the urge to kick in the door to Shinji's room and pound him senselessly for making her sit through that movie. Although sitting on the floor next to Shinji, feeling his warmth, hearing his soft breathing, wasn't as unplesant as she had expected.  
  
" Geez you're pitiful Shoryu, you even lie to yourself. And here you are talking to yourself again instead of catching up on all that sleep that you lose thorughout the week." She slammed her head repeatedly against the pillow.  
  
In the process of her slamming, one of her arms fell asleep, causing her to lose her balance. As luck would have it, she was on the downswing when this occured, and her head struck the hard floor next to her futon. Colorful stars burst into her field of view, before they melted into inky darkness.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The sun was shining, it was HOT, there was sand all around, and Misato was riding next to her on a horse. Nothing seemed to be out of...wait a second...  
  
Asuka turned back to Misato. Sure enough the violet haired beauty was bouncing up and down as her horse, a sleek blue version of the newest updated model, trotted next to her. Asuka looked down. Yup her bedroom had turned into a desert..and the ceiling had been replaced by a sun-drenched blue sky.  
  
" You okay Kraut?" Asuka's head whipped around to the source of the voice. At first she thought Misato's horse had spoken, but when Misato asked her again she realized who it was.  
  
" W-W-W-What did you call me just now?"  
  
Misato peered into Asuka's eyes for a moment.  
" Maybe you hit you're head when you fell off the horse."  
  
Asuka blinked, ok now she was confused.  
" Fell of the horse? I've never been on a horse in my life, well except for now, and if I had been, do you think that I, the great Asuka Langley Shoryu would fall off?"  
  
Misato grinned..  
" Of course..I almost forgot, the ground broke right?"  
  
She chuckled a bit before having her horse break into a gallop. Asuka stared at her back as it began to dwindle from view. Realizing she had no inkling of where she was, Asuka spurred her own horse on and tried to keep up.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
" Gimme anuda!" Misato was drunk again. She slammed her glass down on the bar, and look in astonishment as it shattered in her hand.  
  
" Ummmm.. maybe you've had enough little lady." the bartender began to brush the pieces of glass of the bar into the wastebasket, when Misato stuck her .45 caliber revolver under his nose.  
  
" I've had enuff when I say I've had enuff....now fill anuda one up!" The bartender gulped and complied.  
  
Outside Asuka was trying to stop her horse before it sent her crashing into the wall. She yelled "WOAH!" and got no response. She dug her spurs into its side, only causing it to speed up. Finally, seeing the wall of the inn approaching rapidly, Asuka gave up and leapt from her horse into a trough filled with water.  
  
She surfaced sputtering to find herself the center of the town's amusement. Then she noticed that the guys weren't laughing. She looked down and saw, to her horror, that her white shirt, had not only become parially see though, but had shrunk considerably. Blushing a furious red she pulled her parka around her shoulders and strolled into the bar as if nothing had happened.  
  
The bartender was busy sweating as he was faced with a dilemma. He was trying to avoid staring at the gun in Misato's hand, as well as trying not to look down her shirt, which was displaying more than ample cleavage. His attention was thankfully diverted when a red head sat down at the bar and ordered a coca cola.  
  
" Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly." Asuka looked up, ready to explode on the bartender when she found herself glaring into the darkest pair of blue eyes that she had ever seen. They were so dark that they could have easily been called brown. She had only seen eyes like that on one other person in all of her life.  
  
" Shinji!" she burst out, " Phew! Shinji! What's going on? This isn't right? I fell asleep in my room and then woke up in......" she trailed off as she noticed him staring at her as if she was crazy.  
  
" Ma'am what can I get you to drink?" Her jaw dropped. Then the lightbulb flashed on in her mind. Well if this wasn't Shinji then she could have a little fun...  
  
She undid her parka and told him to choose a drink. He didn't move for a moment as he noticed the condition of the shirt under Asuka's parka. Noticing his gaze Misato put her gun under his nose again.  
  
" OK wiseass! I've had enough out of you. You're coming with us...we'll teach you how to treat a lady." Asuka tried to protest but she was cut off by the, ' this is an order' glare. Shrugging she followed Misato out of the bar to where their horses were tethered..well Asuka's red mare had meandered over there after flinging her skyward.  
  
Misato mounted her blue steed and waited for Asuka to get on hers. Asuka motioned for Shinji to mount first (She can't ride remember!) Shinji and Misato looked at her, puzzlement written on their faces.  
  
"Ummmm..so I can keep a better eye on him" Asuka remarked. Shinji shrugged and mounted the horse. He reached down and offered Asuka a hand in getting up, which she ungraciously declined. After plummeting to the ground three times, Asuka decided that she would take Shinji up on his offer afterall. He pulled her up onto the saddle and she wrapped her arms around his waist. He kicked the horse in the ribs and they were off.  
  
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Asuka was having trouble. The feeling of Shinji held in her arms was causing her to lose herself into the moment on a few occasions. She nearly toppled off the horse several time during the ride. Add to this that she had a vibrating animal bucking and rearing betwen her legs, and her breatsts pressed up agiainst Shinji's back. Her nipples had become erect, and she was getting shock treatment, each time the horse came down. Finally, she simply rested her head on his back.  
  
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On the way to their hideout, which was the destination Misato had selected as being appropriate for Shinji's " teaching and disciplining" the trio stumbled upon the skeletal remaints of a cabin.  
  
" Hey stop for a second...may be money inside." Misato shouted above the roar of the horses. In a fluid motion she brought the horse to a stop and leapt down from the saddle. By the time she landed her gun was drawn and she was approaching the cabin.  
  
Shinji's dismount was similar, but Asuka, who had fallen asleep due to the comfort and security she felt with Shinji, simply fell once her support was gone. She hit the sand hard and rolled over. Gasping for air she surged to her feet and reached out to strike Shinji in the head. Just before she could Misato beckoned for them to be quiet and motion for her to draw her gun, which she did.  
  
A noise emanated from the cabin, and a shadow crawled towards the door frame. Misato pulled back the hammer on her revolver and the crawling fiugre froze.  
  
" Wait, I have information..." a voice floated weakly to them. " Two hundred thousand in gold, and I know where." At that Misato had her gun away instantly. She and Shinji sprinted forwards towards the cabin only to find Asuka already in conversation with the man.  
  
" Thanks Fuyutsuki, I always thought you were just an old fart. You're all right." She backed up and let Misato approach him....  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The three stood in the hideout later that night, well two stood, Shinji was tied and gagged in a chair so he was just there. Fuyutsuki had given them each a clue as to where the treasure was hidden. The problem was that he had given Shinji one of the clues also.  
  
" Look, I'm for leaving him here till we get back, or killing him now." Misato stated. She then reached for her gun as if it was final. Asuka stammered desperately to stop her.  
  
" N-n-no Misato! he has a clue. He comes with us."  
  
The two argued for sometime before agreeing that they would bring Shinji along, and let him have a share. Secretly they planned to steal it from him later, but Shinji was pleased right now. The ride to the hideout had made him very happy, and he was thinking about the prospect of spending more time with the red head.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"I'm hot...I'm tired..and I need a bath!" Askua was whining again. Misato's eyebrow twitched as she reached her limit.  
  
" If you don't shut up, God help me I'll blow your brains out!" She leapt down form her horse and threw the red head to the ground. Asuka felt a growl start to rise up her throat and she leapt up at Misato, hands clawing.  
  
The two rolled around on the ground for a while, neither getting an advantage on the other. Shinji, tired of wasting time, opened his canteen and dumped some water on the two of them.  
  
Asuka and Misato sat on the ground very wet, and glared at Shinji. " Way to waste water baka!" Asuka screamed, pulling out her gun.  
  
" I'm gonna kill you idiot..." Misato growled, drawing her gun also.  
  
Shinji gulped. " Hey without me how are you gonna find the treasure?"  
  
Asuka grinned wolfishly, " We're smart girls. I'm sure that we can find it with two clues."  
  
Misato nodded in agreement and cocked the hammer back. Seeing an opening Shinji dug his spurs into the side of Asuka's horse and galloped away. He ducked low to avoid the gunshots.  
  
" Verdamnit! He's getting away, and we do need him for the clue! Come on.." Misato sprang onto her steed, and pulled Asuka up behind her. They galloped off following Shinji as quickly as they could.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
The treasure sat on the ground, beckoning to be taken. Shinji stood to one side, pistol drawn, one eye on the shimmering gold, the other on the girls to his left and front.  
  
Asuka stood in front of Shinji, her gun drawn as well. She had one eye on The treasure, and with the other she was observing their situation. Her right hand was under her poncho, seemingly harmless, but she was reaching for a small sidearm....  
  
Misato was quickly losing patience. She hated being in situations like this. Her whole body screamed for action. Her .45 caliber revolver was aimed at Shinji, but she knew Askua had her gun trained on her.  
  
The three stood motionless as the sun rose higher and higher in the sky. A wind blew and Asuka's hat was blown off. The sudden motion startled Shinji and Misato, who started firing. Asuka ducked behind a tombstone and began to fire back.  
  
Bullets riccochetted off graves and tombstones all over the graveyard, as three cowboys, well one cowboy and two cow girls, well two cowgirls and a bartender, fought over a sack full of gold in the middle of the graveyard.  
  
They all reloaded at the same instant. In that moment a carraige drawn by two white horses screamed into the center of the graveyard. The three looked on in shock as a man jumped out of the carraige. He took three shots at each tombstone, grabbed the money, and leapt back into the carraige.  
  
" Kaji!!!" Misato screamed. She reloaded and fired all of her shots at the carraige, but it simply faded away into the distance. " He makes me soooooo mad!!!" Misato cursed and stomped.  
  
" Well no need for you now bartender..." Misato turned her revolver on Shinji and pulled the trigger. CLICK Shinji blinked, expecting oblivion, but nothing happened. Misato pulled the trigger again...empty.  
  
Growling she walked over to him and kicked him hard in the crotch.  
" I guess that'll just have to do for now....."  
  
Asuka sat there shocked. She had lost two hundred thousand dollars.... She was mad now. Where was Shinji.  
  
Slowly drew himself up to his knees. His groin throbbing with pain. Through his blurry vision he saw Asuka approaching him. She pulled out her gun, took out a single bullet, loaded the pistol, and aimed it at him.  
  
" Asuka, wait let's talk about it..Asuka..Asuka...Asuka...Asuka wake up!" Her eyes snapped open and her head jerked up, right into Shinji's. He fell back clutching his head in pain.  
  
" OWWW Baka! What were you doing in my room, hentai! Help Misato Shinji's being perverted again!!!!!!" She looked around and saw Misato standing behind Shinji laughing. It's about time you woke up. Maybe you should be more careful from now on, we wouldn't want you to slip of your futon and bang your head again. How in the hell does someone fall out of a futon?" Misato walked away, muttering to herself under her breath.  
  
Shinji looked over at Asuka concerned. " Are you alright? There was a big bang and a crack then we rushed in here and found you on the ground out cold. I was so worried."  
  
Asuka's look softened considerably, she felt warmth in her heart, then she remembered her dream. She reached a hand up to Shinji, as if to caress his face. He looked on in shock, and she slapped him hard.  
  
" That's for costing me two hundred thousand....now where's Kaji..He's gonna answer to me for taking my funds...." She got up from the bed, forgetting that she was clad only in a T-Shirt and panties, the T-shirt was riding up on her.  
  
" Hey Shinji come help me kill...Shinji? Shinji?" He was laying on the floor, a puddle of blood leaking out of his nose. " Oh brother!" Asuka moaned to herself. She shrugged and went into the bathroom.  
  
END  
  
Epilogue  
  
Shinji opened his eyes. He was laying on his back, the sun was scorching off of his head. He go up slowly and looked around. Sand. that was all he could see. Sand, and a horse with a rider near him.  
  
" I told you not to try that Shinji, boy you sure are stupid." Toji grinned at him. " Come on man...I just heard a rumour about a couple hudred thousand dollars buried in some graveyard."  
  
Where am I wondered Shinji................  
  
The END Really  
  
A1Boogz@aol.com 


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